Managing Conflict in your family is hard, it is exponentially hard in the family business.
One of the first steps, is to admit there is conflict. Having awareness about how toxins surface in your conversations will start you on your journey to resolution. You want to create positive change, not more conflict. Focus on the changes that need to be made in order to take care of the issue. Take responsibility and apologize when appropriate.
There are a few triggers to look out for. Which push your buttons? How will you adjust your reactions?
Trigger: Criticism
Criticism is when a judgement is expressed on another person’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the behavior they are exhibiting.
“You always do this!”
“What’s the matter with you?”
Optional Response: Turn complaints into requests. Don’t defend yourself.
“It’s important that I know…”
“Can you please inform me when…”
“Will you include me in your”
“I’m sorry. Would you like me to include you next time?”
Trigger: Defensiveness
When people are defensive, they want to take the heat off themselves and put it on the other person. Defensiveness invalidates, suppresses, and diminishes the other person’s current thoughts and feelings. All this does is escalate the conflict further.
“It’s not me, it’s you.”
“It is not my fault that…”
Optional Response: Ask for clarification
“Can you clarify that?”
“Can you elaborate on what you mean by…”
“It is true that… I can see how this could make you doubt my reliability.”
Trigger: Contempt
Contempt includes treating other with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm, belittling, cynicism, name-calling and hostile humor.
“I’m better than you, you are less than me.”
Eye rolling
Optional Response: Avoid using “You” statements which only make the other feel attacked. Instead, get curious
“Can we work this out in a more positive way?”
“What is your intention in saying that?”
“Are you aware of your impact right now?” “Is this the impact you want to have?”
Trigger: Stonewalling
Stonewalling includes
Cutting off communication, silent treatments, and refusal to engage.
Not responding to questions, repeatedly
Not including other members of the business in decision making.
Optional Response: Put yourself in the other’s shoes
Why fears do you have that are leading you to avoid engaging?
What fears do they have?
How can you gain their trust around this topic?
Families can learn to celebrate each other’s strengths and admire one another for their individual creativity and resourcefulness. When families choose to work at this intentionally, they can cultivate a culture of fondness and admiration that helps everyone feel valued. If you listen deeply and clearly convey to the person that you understand what they are saying conflict can be avoided
Focus on how you want to react to situations regardless of what others do. This in itself, will make a huge impact.
Resource: The Family Business Consulting Group
